I'm Okay With Just Me

I never had that many friends growing up
So I learned to be okay with just me
Just me, just me, just me

And I'll be fine on the outside

I like to eat in school by myself anyway
So I'll just stay right here
Right here, right here, right here

And I'll be fine on the outside

So I just sit in my room
After hours with the moon
And think of who knows my name
Would you cry if I died?
Would you remember my face?

So I left home
I packed up and I moved far away
From my past one day
And I laughed
I laughed, I laughed, I laughed

I sound fine on the outside

Sometimes I feel lost sometimes I'm confused
Sometimes I find that I'm not alright
And I cry, and I cry, and I cry

So I just sit in my room
After hours with the moon
And think of who knows my name
Would you cry if I died?
Would you remember my face? 

I've just watched When Marnie Was There by Studio Ghibli yesterday. (Well, since I'll come to the exhibition next Saturday, I'm trying to watch all Ghibli movies so I won't hesitate to scream when I find Spirited Away's Bath House, Kiki's bakery, or Kusakabe's workplace in the exhibition. LOL.) There are something in the movie and the song which drags me back to my past, which makes me feel nostalgic about my school life.

This movie tell a story about Anna who never get noticed from people around her. Her real family were passed away and left her alone in this world with the strangers who take care about her. She met Marnie when she visited a village to recovered her health and they became friends. Marnie is a young girl with a cheerful smile and it looks like the positive vibes followed her all day long. But, actually Marnie is as lonely as Anna. The soundtrack lyrics described them well.

And I feel I have some similar sides with Anna and Marnie. I'm not a popular girl back then, I never getting noticed (I've mentioned it in my post before). I'm the girl who always been forgotten by my classmate when it came to the group discussion or something like that. And I'm an introvert level 1.000 before. (Well, it doesn't mean that I'm not an introvert now, just.. I'm not as introvert as before tho, I stand at level 900 now I thought. Hmm..)

In my school days, I usually went home immediately after the school bell rang instead have a chit chat with my friends or play to my friends house. I used to have some close friends. I used to call them my best friends until they betrayed me (or may be I think that they were betrayed me) back then. I had another friend but she left me and prefer to befriend with others. I can't followed her to befriend with others because my introvert side didn't know how to befriend with others, my introvert side didn't know how to start a random chat with strangers.

May be the 'friendship' that I had before gave me a trauma or something like that, I have a hmm what they called this? Trust problem? Trust issues? Yah, you named it yourself. The point is, I can't easily trust people now. So, I learned to be okay with myself. I tried to befriend with the silence and my solitude. I tried to do whatever I want to do, I tried to understand that it's okay to live a life others don't understand.

Just like Marnie, I'm okay with just me.